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November 16, 2003 - 10:27 p.m.
i never listened to a cd ten times before in its entirety.... maybe never again

i dont even know where to begin. if i know me, thi is gonna turn out to be one of those entries.

I worked from 7am-3:15pm Today. It was insane. The meeting was crazy, crazy video..and pointless practices. It was blah!

I feel really blah. Really blah. I know im tired from work, but I would have my energy if everything was alright. Like I always say.. I dont NEED sleep.. when I have a reason to wake up and smile in the morning.

And yeah, this shouldnt be too big of a depression fest, cause I smile cause of my friends, and my family, and all those other great things in my life. But hey, you know me. Never-too-upset-and-always-on-top-of-things.

Well... I think I'm entitled to a moment every now and then, and now is a now.

I am so dissapointed. I feel like something really great happened, and now it's lost becuase of reluctance.. or like.. indecisiveness. I totally understand what that would feel like from the other side, but I think in order to get as far as it has, It would be wrong to assume there's nothing going on! Maybe im wrong though, but thats how i see it.

Though, there's always.... if you look back and find my entry where I went on and on... back in the summer... or so..you see how stuck on one thing I was, and that could hold a person back too, that could so be the case now, but just ughh I dont know. There's no telling.

This is so jumbled..and its SOOO not what i want to say. I would love to write this in a normal way, and in a way that it would make sense, BUT...alas..i am so tired that words are not even coming out right

I was just going to say that maybe in order to feel a certain way you have to wait a while and see what happens.. And then I realized that that didn't make any sense according to the Point i was trying to make. Which MAY be a good thing becuase if i can believe that, then there's a chance.. But i think my big mistake would be to use that to feel better, cause once I get myself believeing that, im just as hung up on it, and nothing may ever come of it.

Though, don't get me wrong.. I think it would be good to try it out and see what develops in the future. But..yeah.

I guess I'm finished with being vague and annoying for tonight.

I'll go on being in a craptacular mood for the next few days until things settle out and I decide I should be normal again. (Dont worry, I wont threaten taking away the journal cause im "not in the mood.")

I wish i could make everyone happy. Well at least i was for a little while, if that counts for anything. If it helped to pass three days.. a week..or two.. then maybe i should smile and be glad for that much.

Maybe we could just play the Ninja Turtles arcade game forever. That made me smile.

I said no depressing away messages. Usually I put all crazy sad-ness stuff in there, and make people feel bad for me, but I think thats just crappy of me, so Im gonna be like usual. Simple descriptions. No "being emo" like Jen B said. LOL

Anyway now it's time for bed... sleep is waiting.. but then again, I sense Im gonna have a hard time falling asleep tonight. It's gonna be tough. I'd better get started now.

Goodnight