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November 09, 2016 - 10:48 p.m.
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Hey Journal!

Well, this is a very unusual entry for me to write. You know I make it a point to be here every single night and not skip any days but so much happened yesterday from the morning and late into the night. I just couldn't find the time, energy, or will to write an entry but I will go back to the beginning and start there.

I woke up at about 4:20am yesterday, November 8th, Election Day. I was tired from having not gotten enough sleep but I was excited to go to the polls and get the election going! I stopped at the gas station on the way and filled up and then I headed over to the high school.

I arrived about 4:55 and I was inside the gym and started setting up by 5am. The room was set up the same way it usually is but our coordinator wanted us to move the tables along the other wall. The new setup was so much better. After moving the tables, there was a giant open area in the middle of the room. That gave people plenty of room to maneuver around and also gave them space to form a line at each table WITHOUT blocking any of the voting machines or making it harder to get to the other tables.

It also allowed us to have a nice space for our belongings. We were able to keep them on the tables behind us, out of the way of the voters.

The crew was reunited.... Dawn, me, and Lou! We're the district 47 regulars. Marcel was also there again, but he hasn't been there every time like the others. We were set up and ready to go with about 15 minutes to spare so I shared the story of our recent trip to Phoenix with Dawn.

When it was time to open the polls, there was a line of people waiting at the door. From 6am - about 9am there was an overwhelming turnout. We processed so many people -- and they just kept coming and coming. This was by far the busiest election we have ever worked. In all, I would say the busiest times of the day were 6-8:30am and 10:00am-12:00pm. That second wave was a little surprising because usually people come by at their lunch break between 12 and 2, but that time seemed to be quiet today.

It picked up only slightly between 4 and 5:30. Dan came by at about 4:45 to bring me dinner. We had Boston Market and ate at one of the tables in the back. I had wanted to go outside and take a walk but Dawn wasn't really into it so I just stayed put.

So, my job today was to hand out the ballots. I always do that -- and I think I like it best of all the jobs. It's good because once they get to me, they've already signed in and they're ready to vote. I rip the ballot out, give the number to Dawn, and then bam - speech! "You can take this to any of the open booths along the back, there will be a marker inside each booth. Use that marker to fill out your ballot, and just color in all of the circles, nice and dark, just like this -point to example paper-, and when you've finished you can head over to machine # 47 and feed your ballot into the machine, face down - right in the middle along the wall -point-" REPEAT x 660+! Seriously, I said that so many times.

We have 667 voters who voted on the machine. We had 11 affidavit ballots and 18 spoils. Of those 667 machine-voters, taking into account the couple of times I got up from the table, and the few times I have the speech to two people at once, I probably said that about 575 times, easily. It was wild. My throat kept getting dry and when I got home I felt like I had a sore throat. Luckily that's gone away now.

Dan made me four PB&J sandwiches -- I ate three throughout the day and there's one more at home in the fridge. I have to remember to eat that.

I started to get everything ready for closing at about 8:30 so that as soon as the polls were closed at 9:00, we could concentrate on the machine and not have to do all the paperwork. Our last voter came in around 8:50. When it was time to close the polls, there was nobody around. Other times we've had some stragglers come in just before, and just after!

We did everything nice and quickly and I was on my way home at 9:20.

I was very very excited to get home and watch the election results with Dan. We love to do our "election headquarters" every four years, projecting a big electoral map on the wall and watching it get filled in.

When I walked in the door, I was so surprised and excited to see how Dan had set up the room. He brought all kinds of election decorations. Streamers, hats, balloons... it was so nice and so cute! I was even more excited to watch the results and was pumped up for a real happy night! (Even knowing how tired I was going to be in the morning!)

I ran upstairs to take a shower and when I got back, things were not so good.

The results were looking iffy but there was still a lot of time to go and a lot of votes to be counted. Based on the electoral map projects ALL of the polls had presented over the past few days, everyone thought there was a very slim chance for Hillary to lose.

As the night went on it became more and more apparent that the polls were terribly wrong and that her path to victory was shrinking faster and faster.

We stayed up until 2:30am watching, but with every single passing minute, chances were evaporating. It was astounding and shocking. I felt all kinds of weird feelings. I had been up for almost 22 hours and I couldn't properly process what was going on.

I did, however, take down all of Dan's decorations because somehow I knew waking up in the morning, and seeing all these streamers and stuff would only make me feel shitty.

When we went to bed I was still hopeful that she would pull it out, but it was looking bleak. I had a terrible stomach ache, and I think it was from the sandwiches I ate... but I was just in a real daze. I couldn't believe what was happening.

When I woke up in the morning, it was confirmed. It was over, and Hillary had lost. I have never felt like this before. I was in such a haze. I wasn't sure what proportion was due to the fact that I had gotten up at 4am, stayed up until 2am, and then woken up for work at 8... and what portion was my shock and dismay about the results. It was some combination of both.

When I got to work, I went to the office and I was still in shock. It was weird opening up the office, and getting back to normal, when so much of my world seemed to have been rocked. I sat at my desk for a LONG TIME just staring at the monitor. Nothing was on it, just staring at the computer... not sure what to do, so not motivated to work, and so beside myself in a way I have never felt before.

You know how I feel about sensationalism and I am as serious as can be when I say that I really have never felt like this before. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me, like I didn't know what to do, like I was sad, scared, and lost all at once.

I texted a long message to Linda to get things off my chest -- I had all of these crazy thoughts in my head and I just didn't know what to make of any of them!

It's not just because the person I voted for lost an election it was because of such uncertainty in exactly what is to come. I would have been disappointed had Barack lost four or eight years ago but not in this same way.

When Lauren came in, she expressed that she felt the same. She said she couldn't do any work today. I told her I couldn't either. It was just one of those days.

I was upstairs at the bar when Hillary took the stage to give her concession speech.

It was a moment I don't think I'll ever forget, and not for the speech itself but for the scene. Me sitting at the bar and three waitresses behind the bar, all glued to the TV, watching in dead silence, with the look of horror and fright on our faces. Genuine. Not a sensational act... real confusion and fear.

A member came up to the bar halfway through and was beside himself. He was trying to say something but he couldn't get the words out and then just walked away. I hesitate to write this because it sound so cheesy but I think I cried a little during her speech. I felt like things that we worked so hard for socially were slipping away from us.

And if I can take a second to reflect on that -- I most closely agree with the foreign policy, economic, and social views that Barack and Hillary have presented but, the one that scares me the most is the social aspect. We can try some different foreign policy, we can try some different economic tactic, I'm okay with that -- I just don't want racism, sexism, or oppression for us, any of our friends, or any American.

Dan's mom came in and we talked a little about this stuff, then I tried to do a little work. All i did was enter invoices into the computer. I couldn't do any more.

It was also the least busy day I have had in weeks at work. There were no phone calls, no emails, nothing for me to do at all. I mean, I could have done any of the million things that are on my to-do list, or worked on some projects I've been wanting to start... but today was NOT the day.

I have no idea why it was so dead. Maybe a combination of it being a cooler day out and also the general feeling of despair -- though I'm not sure the majority of our members are feeling that today.

Steve didn't come in today and it was so quiet in the office. I left at 3:30 and headed home. I needed to rest after being up so long yesterday.

I got home around 4:00 and did a few things around the house before taking a short nap. I put Match Game on the TV and fell asleep. I only slept for about an hour. Dan got home at 5:15 and some noise woke me up. Not sure what the noise was, but it was JUST after Dan walked in the door. I would have thought it was the alarm saying "Front door," but I can't remember hearing that at all.

I was kinda groggy but ready to get up and felt like I got a little energy from my nap. Dan and I watched Secrets and Lies and then we got ready to go to a game at Stony Brook that Lau had invited us to.

I usually don't like to go out on work nights and especially feeling so tired I didn't want to leave the house but I felt like getting out and seeing Lau was probably the best things to do to make us feel better. As you can tell, it worked because the mood of desperation is kinda wearing off. A little normalcy has returned.

The game was fun, though it rained a lot which wasn't ideal. It was a quarter-final soccer game and Lau was there to cheer on the kids who she advises. Also not ideal, Stony Brook lost the game!

We left around 9:30 and then when we got home I took a shower and we squeezed in an episode of Quantico.

Now it's time to get ready for bed. Looking forward to a more normal and more hopeful day tomorrow.

Until tomorrow...

Goodnight.