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May 03, 2003 - 8:08 p.m.
written at work...

im really glad I came to work today.... I dunno...I mean, I got some work done...things tht I had been putting off for a while, and that was good.

Also, I did a lot of thinking... Which I've been doing a lot of lately. I'm not sure weather thats a good thing or a bad thing, because often, when I think for a while I don't really come up with anything except deeper problems.

Anyhow.. I've realized taht I've been being different.. I never used to worry about things, and certainly never spend time 'thinking' about all these random things in my life. I dunno. It's weird. But then again when you think about it ive been acting really out of character a lot lately! I dont know what it's all about...but I guess I'll just have to add that to the list of things to think about, too.

Anyhow, I am actually writing this part of my Journal online while I'm at work because I had stuff to say. I'm not sure what it was anymore.

Another thing is that....I dont know about going away to school. I really keep thinking that perhaps I made the wrong decision in deciding to stay home. I guess if I were to go anywhere it would be to Binghamton, and I thought I wanted to go...but then I cahnged my mind. I can't really figure out why I changed my mind exactly.. I mean, I guess I figured that Stony Brook isn't so bad If I'm not trekking down the road to Computer Science without taking any CompSci classes.

Then, I have the reasons that make me think I should go away. I think about them, and want to go.. BUT THEN I sit here now, having pretty much made up my mind that I'm not.. saying "what if I'm making the wrong decision...what if I should have gone.." BUT let's just say I had decided to go away... I would be sitting here right now saying "Omg..what If I made the wrong decision and I should have stayed home." So...Either way I can't win in this situation without feeling like I'm missing something..

Then there's my job here at the library.. I really hope I get that job.. who knows though. They say they want to transfer someone...but will that really happen? Who knows? All I know is that how much longer can I really stay here with this job..makeing pathetic amounts of money. You know what I really want... I think I know what it is... I want a job where I feel like my work matters. I don't care if the job is important to people on the outside... It needs to be important for the place that I work for. I want a job where I feel like they are depending on me, and then I can do my job and feel good about it. That's why I do so many things at the library, I try to create things that will make me depended on. I throw out the newspapers, I do this, I do that...I kinda adopt my own special tasks to be 'mine.' I want a job where If I want to take off, I have to do it more than a day in advance, becasue they need to find someone to cover for me. The single thing is, its getting ridiculous. I feel like what I do gets me nowhere, and even if they appreciate what I do for the library, and how much I like my job, They don't depend on me. It's like.. The pages arent really necessary. I mean, sure, in the long run we are, but not short term. They can do without us for a while. But they can't open without a clerk at the desk. There always has to be two clerks on at a time...and we can't have a library without a Librarian.. So.. I mean, it's just that what I do has no dependance.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound all crazy.. It's just one of those venting journals. I think thats good though cause its better than a listing of my day.. at least it gives some insight to my life.

Anyway, I have to go take a shower now.. The above portions of my journal were from earlier today while I was at work. lol

Anyway...maybe I'll have another entry later... maybe not.

Byeees

PS- Sorry for all the typos.. that library keyboard was a piece of crap.. and I be too lazy to fix the errors lol

May 04, 2003 - 12:17 a.m.
home now...

Goodnight. :)

------------------------------------
FINALLY, ONE MORE THING...
The strangest thing happened this morning right after I woke up, and I typed up a little thing to put in here about it... so here you go....

the toilet paper controversy

Well, this was a rather random event of my day that I would like to relay. I woke up at 8:00 and went downstairs to get some breakfast.

Now, It's not often that all of the occupants of my casa have a little discussion session, and the fact that it was about this was sooo weird..

Let me take you back to yesterday....I realized that the toilet paper we had in the downstairs bathroom was like.. the junkiest..most cheap and thin paper in the WORLD. I said to my mom.. "WHERE THE HECK DID THIS COME FROM!?!?" And she said "I dunno." It was a short convo..and that was all.

Then, I finished eating, and I was walking up the stairs when I heard the bathroom door open and my grandma goes, "TOM!!!! DID YOU PUT THAT HORRIBLE TOILET PAPER IN THERE!?" He said... "I don't know..."

Then we all told our little story of how we discovered this gross toilet paper, and then Grandma sought to determine its origin. I had to go about my way and get ready for work..but the conversation went as follows...

"Ill tell you what happened!.... ILL tell you what happened....I found this roll of toilet paper here a week ago, and I came to the conclusion that you must have been cleaning the basement, and sometime you were using a roll of toilet paper for something, and you came across this one in the basement and brought it up here!"

I love Grandma's deductive skills! After fifteen minuters of trying to figure out exactly where it came from, she goes, "Well, I'll tell you where it's GOING!" -Chucks the whole roll into the garbara pail.-

My mom comes upstairs to get a new roll, a REAL roll, and I'm brusing my teeth, and she's like "This is the kinda toilet paper they have in prisons!!!!!" and I just BUUURST out laughing...

It's amazing how one thin roll of toilet paper could cause such a crazy discussion!