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July 16, 2003 - 3:37 a.m.
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IF YOU READ MY JOURNAL BEFORE.... SCROLL DOWN.� I DONT FEEL LIKE ADDING A NEW ENTRY.. THERE IS NEW STUFF AT THE BOTTOM.

Hello journal...

It's 3:37am and Im sitting here in matt's bedroom writing my journal.

I would have left the update for tomorrow night, but i just have to vent right now.

I just did something that i wasnt sure i should do or not. I confessed again that i still like someone, who for purposes of this journal..shall remain nameless. I hate the way it always ends pretending that nothing's weird.. but it really is. And now, how do i face this tomorrow. I mean, I was told "this isnt gonna be weird tomorrow" but also was told that "things are already weird in case you hadn't noticed" and FUCKKK that's exactly what i dont want.. because I can deal with my liking someone who doesnt like me back, but the problem is that I dont want that tochange the way we act around eachother. I dont want all of my actions to be looked at as some sort of move to further something "more than friends" After tonight's conversation i know that nothing is ever gonna happen between us, and ok.. i said i was sad about that, and yeah, im sitting here crying now, i dont know what else to say.. ive spent months liking someone who's every single move and every little detail i loved more than life... i dont know how to explain it. and so im sitting here listening to coldplay, a fitting song whose name i cant remember, and crying and i dont know what else to say.

yeah i wish i had a chance.. i wish for one minute that i had had a chance.. and everyone tells me.. oh this is your first real crush, and all.. and i guess thats kinda true, but still.. i know it's something special.. but whatever i can deal with it not being reciprocated.. its just that i dont wanna make the friendship uncomfortable by keeping confessing things,and being anooying. So i give up.. i wont talk about it anymore, but I just pray to god now that everything will be back to normal tomorrow. I just need a friend now. I really do. I wish we could talk the way we used to. I really hope we can again sometime.

I hate myself for my insecuriteis, and my insecurities about matt. i am afraid of things.. I cant really go into it.. but whatever... im insecure about myself and thats why i dont like him involved in things relating to me even though he's a great friend to me.

so im the jerk, im a loser, i dont know how to handle things, and maybe i am naive. but i know how i feel and i know what i felt. maybe there are a million other people out there, and i shouldnt jump at the first, but i think that sometimes things happen for a reason but enough about that because i have toget over it i have to move on...

so now it's all about being friends, and it;s my job to make sure things arent fucking screwed up becuiase for the one time in my life i got the guts to say how i feel and i dont want to make things weird. I wish i could talk about this in person. I really wish i could. but im too chicken to bring up the subject, and i know its not gonna be done from the other side. this sucks.

Ah well...i guess tomorrow we will see just how weird/normal things are.. God.. please let them be normal.

alright if better get to bed now i have work early in the morning..

matts party was fun and ill fill in all the details about it tomorrow night... i just cant do it now.

Alright

till tomorrow.....

Goodnight. :)

-----------------------------
I am at home now..It's the morning and I have to get ready for work. I have a few quick things to say though.

First off, thank god I didnt drink last night. If I had been drinking, I would have attributed everything that happened to the Alc.. and not really to what I really wanted to say/do. Anyway, I did what i did.. now i just suck...

Second, I am really mean to matt. No doubt about it. i am so fucking mean becasue im insecure about myself and dont want him involved in stuff.. so i yell at him and stuff, and im just an overall jackass to him, and yet he still comes to talk to me and make me feel better when im crying on the couch in his living room.. god, i dont deserve a friend like him.. Im such a loser. I really am. Thank you matt.

Alright I have to get to work. I hope i can get my mind on something normal today.. ugh.

more later..... bye...


And becasue I just cant leave this entry alone, because im naive, and because i keep having to add stuff left and right.... Here's the Coldplay song that was playing on VH1 behind me in matt's room and it seemed to be playing the whole time i was upset.. though it really couldnt have been, seeing as it's not THAT long... but whatever it was on for a while...
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me you questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing tails
And coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

4:12pm -

Alright well i just got home from the dentist.� My day may as well just get crappier and crappier.�� The dentist actually wasnt that bad, but i just really wasnt looking forward to it.� He said I don't have any cavities or anything, and he cleaned my teeth and all..� but he says I might need my wisdom teeth taken out.. he's not sure. Sounds fun.